Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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