I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
You are the jesus of drinking
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
