Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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