Plan B is the new Plan A
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
