my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
