Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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