I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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