I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
