you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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