and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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