the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
