You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
