At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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