Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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