I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I am naked and annoyed.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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