Im at strip club and am horny
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
