Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
