I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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