take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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