I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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