my room smells like sperm. sweet.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Randomize
