a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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