You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
