Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
So many bounce houses so little time
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
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