i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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