Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
