So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
