Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
