I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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