i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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