it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
