Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
whose ass print is on the piano?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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