Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
