when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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