Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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