Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
