i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
