tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
