he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
