I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
