hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
