Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
