quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
