I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
