Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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