just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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