Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
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