why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
