So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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