According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
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