I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
