i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
