I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
