but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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