ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
my being single is dangerous.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
