just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
