Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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