Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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