I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
