I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
